Birkenstock monkeys and shoes for people who can afford to not walk.

I have had this link saved in my drafts for months: Click here to read about the chosen footwear of the Crunchy-Granola

There are a lot of Birkenstock monkeys around the Coffee Shop I frequent. Most of them wear socks, but one guy rocks the Birks barefoot, and barefeet kinda gross me out. Say what you want about socks and sandals, but when someone puts their feet up on the bench next to you, and they are unsocked, and you are eating or drinking, it’s gross.

It kills me to think that anyone would think this much about their footwear, (same link, moved to this paragraph for quick reference. See how helpful I am?). I hope the Coffee Shop Birkenstock monkeys wear their weird flat sandals becuase they find them comfortable, and not becuase they want the world to know how much they love the earth and trees and that.

And if so, what do my $12.99 (at Ross) shoes tell the world about me?
(Like the picture, but dirtier, and without the edgy-emo-hipster-skulls —- because 30-seconds of Google image searching is worth 1000 words).

#1. Well, no one knows I bought them at Ross, or how much they cost, so they don’t really say “I’m cheap, but good at finding deals.” Nix this point.

#1. (because the first #1 didn’t really count) They are slip-on, which tells the world – “I’m lazy”.

#2. They are dirty and pretty worn, despite being only a few months old, which says “Hey guys, I walk a lot!”

#3. (becuase what is a list with only two points?) They don’t have high heels, which says “I’m alright with my stubby legs, and p.s. high heels and jeans and walking a lot is just plain stupid.”

Grosser than barefeet-on-a-bench-next-to-you? These.
Grosser than that? Starting them young.